PROJECT DREAM AGAIN

(The following was read at NAMI's 1991 convention in San Francisco and it was first published in the January/February 1991 issue of "Church & Society" magazine.)

When Even The Devil Deserts You

by Ed Cooper

I have a thousand faces and I am found in all races. Sometimes rich, sometimes poor, sometimes young, sometimes old. I am a person with the disabling pain of a broken brain.

You have many names for my pain like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, major depression, and many others. Some of you refer to me as crazy or insane. The real fact is that most of you don't refer to me at all. You want me locked away out of sight, but my only crime is my shattered mind. I understand why you don't want to look into a darkened soul because I cry when I am forced to make the journey.

Do you know the hurt I feel when I look into my family's faces and see their fear? Fear of me and what they have become. I try to tell them I will not hurt them and to explain it is not their fault. I try to reach out to them to ease their sorrow, but I fail to be a comfort because I cannot hide the agony of my own soul.

I fight the demons of depression and despair. I search for solace for my soul. I want my mind mended, but you must understand that a broken brain is more than mere mechanical failure. It has many causes I am told. Heredity, biology, and the environment are all factors. I don't know for sure what causes it, but I know what it causes.

It causes the total destruction of your inner self. It fragments you. It makes you seek an end even if that end means death. You seek the end because you see not only what it has done to you, but also what it is doing to the ones you love. The fear of death fades because to a large degree you already feel dead. You are not able, nor a people willing to interact with you as they once did. In fact, it feels like you have fallen so low EVEN THE DEVIL HAS DESERTED YOU!

I ask you, where do you turn WHEN EVEN THE DEVIL DESERTS YOU? To therapy? It helps but only touches part of me. To drugs? They help, but only touch part of me. Is there a path to a place that will touch all of me and mend not just my broken brain, but touch the untouchable?

I once heard of such a path. It has been written about, but my mind wanders so much I find it hard to read. It has been spoken of, but I hear so many voices I don't know which one to follow. If you know the path, would you please find me? I may be in a hospital. I may be on the streets. I may be at home. Please find me and take me into your arms. Hold me there til we find the path that leads into the arms of the One not afraid to touch the untouchable. Find my family too. I may not be able to understand the written word or the words spoken to me. I may not even seem to know where I am. but I will know the warmth I feel when you gently put your arms around me. I will once again know I am loved.

Our Business

Helping people reach their dreams and find a community of faith in order to have a home and a place to be embraced.

Who We Are

Divisions of N.O.M.I. Inc.

Project Dream Again

Dream Again with Christian Friends

Dream Again Press

HISTORY of NOVASTAR

Project Dream Again is a project of Novastar Opportunities for the Mentally Ill, Inc. which was started in 1989 in North Carolina and then moved to Florida in the early 90's and has now been moved back to North Carolina.

Novastar was formed out of work that Ed Cooper was doing under the name of Christian Friends of the Mentally Ill which he started in 1988.

We are aware that there is language in the name of Novastar that is not person centered, but at the time it was and now it would be hard to change.

However, we believe strongly in dignity of each and every individual and make every attempt to convey that through our actions as well as our communications.