Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I Am A Mistake

A shattered soul is more than simply being sad for a time. It is feeling like your insides have been crushed by the biggest rock on earth. A crisis in your life like losing a job, a divorce, or the death of a loved one can all make the rock fall on you. However, one of the most insidious and lasting demons that beset our souls is the feeling we are no good. Feeling like "I am a mistake." The feeling that we can never measure up can have a self fulfilling prophecy. It can keep us down for all our lives.

The feeling is usually given birth in the early years of one's life. It can come from something as devastating as childhood sexual abuse or from growing up in a home so critical that no one could live up to the standards set there. I am not sure there is a much difference as far as the long term results are concerned. I was violently sexually abused as a child by my grandpa and in our home I never felt I could satisfy my father. Both have left me with a very poor picture of myself.

My soul was shattered in a barn in eastern Kentucky by my being used as a sex toy. It was further scorched by the fires of criticism my father handed out. It always wasn't directed at me or maybe even seldom was, but I knew if he thought so little of people like the teachers at school or the minister at our church then I was nothing in his eyes.

I think I quit dreaming in the barn and have seldom dreamed since. When I have dreamed they have been failures leaving me more certain I am a mistake. Have you ever felt like you are a mistake?

Only by learning to dream again can one find solace for a shattered soul so deeply wounded that they feel like a mistake.

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