Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I AM STILL NOT WHOLE

We all seem to have the need to be rooted. To belong to something larger than ourselves. At times we do very destructive things in order to be part of the group. Can you imagine never feeling like you belonged? Never feeling like you were loved? It may surprise you, but there are lots of us that have or still do feel that way.
Sexual abuse at an early age damages the soul and mind. You do not feel worthy of belonging to anything. If the abuse goes on long enough, you may even begin to look forward to it because it seems like the only time you are important.

In a barn in eastern Kentucky, my grandfather made me his sex toy at the very young age of four. Sometimes he was physically violent with me and sometimes he was sweet as hell to me. I never knew which was coming. As time went on I began to look forward to our encounters. I was special then. My grandpa said I was. No other time or place did I seem as special as I was there. The abuse lasted from when I was four until I was almost twelve. It stopped because my parents became missionaries to Africa and he could no longer get to me.

You may think me the odd bird. That I am the only one who ever looked forward to the abuse. Well I am not. It destroys so much of you that you may never again feel whole. I am not whole even now. It started over fifty years ago and I am still not whole.

It has gotten better, but better is not whole. Better is not feeling like you belong. That is what makes faith communities so important. A place to belong even if I am still not whole.

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