Thursday, January 07, 2016


I thought after a person died they were surrounded by light and saw a warm friendly face smiling at them.  I found myself in total darkness and stiff as an old piece of driftwood.  I could not move a muscle or hear a sound.  I thought I was going to a better place, but this was a no place.  I could see nothing.  I could hear nothing.  I could move nothing on my body.  All I seemed to have left was the ability to use my mind.  The irony was overwhelming.  It was my mind who had put me here.

I will not bore you with all the details, but we had been sitting alone on the back porch of a house we shared with my wife in Eastern Kentucky looking out on the area around the branch that ran through our property.  If you are confused by the use of “we”, all I can say is I do not have time in my present predicament to explain Dissociative Identity Disorder to you other than to say I had more than one person/personality using my body.  As we sat there one of us decided they were done.  By done I mean they decided they did not want to stay around on earth any longer.  An argument broke out among us and I lost the argument.

I was not really all that disappointed in losing because I was not that fond of living.  The method chosen was opening an artery in the bathtub which would be fairly quick and painless.  Less dramatic than using a gun, but more sure than pills.  That is what we did.  I was surprised after my suicide to find myself in total darkness alone and no longer a we but alone in the darkness.  It had not even been my idea, but I was the one who was going to have to face the consequences and they seemed to be unexpected ones.

I realized I would never have the chance to explain to my wife how this happened.  She would never know who talked me into doing this to our body.  She must at this moment be as alone as me.  How could I have been so foolish as to think I would be greeted as a hero in heaven?  Then I heard faint voices as if they came from the other side of a mountain.

“You know I am just.”

“Yes Father, but you saw what was done to him as a boy.  You know how many times he was sexually abused.  You know what the military did to him when they locked him away for months in what they called a psychiatric unit.  You saw all this.”

“Yes my Son, but I also saw his wife and family when they had to bury his dead body.  Remember I am the giver of life and no one has the right to take a life not even their own.”

Was I hearing God and Jesus discussing what to do with me?  Was this my Judgement Day?  I thought I was going to get to stand before God myself and make my own case.  However, I was glad I was not there.  I had no case.  We had been wrong.  We hurt everyone who ever loved us.  I let we do what I would never have done.

“He will remain in the darkness for his sin.”

“Then Father, I will stay in the darkness with him till you decide he has been in the darkness long enough.  I was there beside him when he was a boy.  I will be by his side now.”

the end

© Ed Cooper, January 7, 2016, Stoney Creek, TN
     All rights reserved

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