Wednesday, February 20, 2019


Lord you can't any longer
     frighten me 
          with the threat of hell
because my soul is already there.

It is empty.
I do not feel you
     or anything else
          since Patty left me behind.

The tears are gone.
     You are gone.
          She is gone.
               I am gone.

Do not tell me it will get better
     when I cannot feel today.
Lord you left with her
     because you were in her.

My soul is like a 
    bonsai tree dying 
         being over pruned
         and not watered.

     you over pruned my soul
          and left it dry as a bone
when you took Patty from me.

© Ed Cooper, 2/20/2019
    All rights reserved

Monday, February 04, 2019

IS GOD HIDING FROM ME? by ed cooper

Patty (1946-2018)
Since the death of my beloved wife Patty I have felt like God has been hiding from me.  I cannot feel the presence of God anymore.  I am ashamed because I had a perfect example of how to live a Godly life.

As Patty lay dying in her bed it was obvious that she felt God right there with her.  From the time she was diagnosed with peritoneal cancer Patty said "I just laid back in the arms of Jesus."  Everyone who came in contact with her as she journeyed to her death saw a woman at peace with dying because she believed with all her mind, heart and soul Jesus was waiting for her.  Patty witnessed each day with the way she lived her life to the folks from hospice and anyone else who visited her.

Why now am I not able to follow the path I saw her live so well up to the moment of her last breath?  Is God hiding from me?  The answer to that question is a resounding no.  I am hiding from God.  God has no reason to hide from me, but I have many reasons to hide from God.

God could have healed Patty.
God could have taken me first.
God could have taken us together.

I am too mad at God to want to talk to God.  The funny thing is my mind will not let me play this game.  I know God knows.  Did you hear me?  I know God knows.  I do not have to pray some prayer for God to know everything in my being.  I cannot really hide from God.  God is here even if I do not want to say God is here.

I cannot run God off with my anger or by saying God is not here.  I know because I watched Patty journey until her lungs would not take in air any longer and her big heart kept on beating and then finally stopped.  Even in her death she was a witness to the loving grace of God.

I can stay in my agony or acknowledge God.  

Matthew 11:28-30 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)

28 “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Maybe there is some wisdom in these words if read and understood.  Team up with Jesus?  Carry the load with Him as a team as you learn from Him.  Grief is a massive load, but a team would make it lighter just as Patty as my teammate made the world so much brighter.  I am not sure of all the steps to team up with Jesus because I know it is more than just getting wet in baptism, but it might be worth an attempt to find out.

(Lost my editor so please excuse any mistakes)
© Ed Cooper, February 4, 2019, Stoney Creek, TN, Appalachia
    All rights reserved